I Felt Like a Criminal Last Night

You know what’s fun? Having to do a sleep study. You know what else is fun? Breaking and entering.

I was scheduled for a sleep study last night. I have issues falling asleep so I need to take a nightly medication. If I wake up during the night and one stray thought turns into two I can kiss the next 45 minutes to an hour and a half of sleep goodbye. My neurologist wanted to know if there is some underlying factor to my sleep issues, such as sleep apnea. However, I know the issues. I have cerebral palsy which causes chronic pain throughout my body. Also, I have a very anal retentive personality which can cause my thoughts to fly so quickly through my mind I can barely keep track of them sometimes.

Out of all the detailed instructions the doctors office provided me regarding the sleep study, I realized as I stood in front of the locked office building that they had not provided me instructions on how to enter the locked building.

When I realized I couldn’t enter the building I called the office number even though I knew the office was officially closed. As I was listening to the prompts on the phone a janitor happened to be passing by the door and took pity on me. I can look particularly pitiful when the situation calls for it. The janitor walked over to let me in. Just as he was opening the door I heard the automated female voice of my phone say if I wanted to reach the sleep specialist… Click. I had hung up because the door was now open.

Perhaps I should’ve stayed on the line. Maybe it’d be intuitive for some people to automatically call the doctors office upon arrival to a locked building. However, I was still frazzled from the running around my husband and I did last night. Plus I made the assumption the doctors office would have given me all the vital details on how to get to the sleep study.

So I scurried my way to the doctors office. Imagine my shock to find that it was obviously closed with all the lights turned off. I tried pulling on the glass door anyway and it opened! So I walked through and was now standing inside the waiting room of the doctors office trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to check in with the registration desk clearly closed and unmanned.

As I was contemplating this, the fucking office alarm goes off. It is loud and shrill and exceedingly startling. It’s about two seconds before my panic sets in and I do what any respectable lady does in this situation and booked it the fuck out of there. I ran out of the door and down the hall about 30 to 50 feet and around a slight corner. I was not in trying to get arrested. That would be bad enough but then having to reschedule this stupid study would add another layer of suck.

I heard the alarm turn off and slowly crept my way back to stand in front of the glass office doors again. I am so freaking confused. How in the hell am I supposed to get to the sleep study? Am I even in the right location? They told me to come to this office! And yet no one is here to greet me.
Finally I slide down the wall opposite of the door to sit on the floor. I called the office number again and this time I waited to select the option to speak with the sleep specialist at this location. Lo and behold someone picks up! She told me she’d be right out to get me a asked if I was in the front or the back of the building. I informed her I was right in front of the office doors.

30 seconds later a woman is greeting me and tells me she heard the alarm go off and had to come out from back to check the waiting area thinking her patient had arrived but no one was in the waiting room. I gave her a blank stare before I admitted it was me who set off the alarm. She gave me a confused look so I further explained that after two seconds of the loud hideous noise in my ear I ran away and down the hall because I didn’t want to get arrested.

By the time I had finally gotten inside the room in which I was going to sleep for the night, it was several minutes past my scheduled appointment. However, after doing some very quick paperwork, I was instructed to not take my nighttime medicine for sleep until almost an hour later. Which begs the question of why I needed to get there so early in the first place.

When the sleep specialist came in to hook up all the wiring to me, I found I was in for another surprise. In order to make sure the wiring pads stuck to me, she put this insanely sticky and gooey paste all over my face, on my chest, on my legs, and all up in my hair. These pads were then connected to what appeared to be at least 6 feet of wiring and there were probably 20 to 30 wires.
Sleeping connected to all of those sticky wires was less than uncomfortable to say the least.

After I woke up around 4:25am, the sleep specialist unhooked all the wires from me and sticky pads. I stepped into the bathroom to investigate the situation with my hair. You see, I could feel things were still in my hair. I am not particularly sensitive about my hair but I do take care of it and it is pretty – my dermatologist told me so :-). Therefore I was a bit distressed to find exceedingly gooey pads that she had overzealously smothered with that sticky goupe. Getting those little white sticky pads out of my hair was an especially fun fine motor movement battle. Clearly I took a quick shower after I got home.

Before I left I was given a survey going over how the sleep study process went for me. One of the questions asked if there was anything that disrupted my sleep. Although it made me raise my eyebrows because I would assume this would be quite obvious, I still wrote down all the wires and sticky pads were not the most easy or comfortable things just sleep with. Otherwise, breaking and entering notwithstanding, I thought the process and night itself went fairly well.

Until next time.


One thought on “I Felt Like a Criminal Last Night

  1. After the mini drama preceding the study, it’s a wonder you were able to sleep at all. I wish they had given you detailed information about access to the building and office prior to your appointment.


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